TinkerBobbi’s blog

weird title, but one of my favorite Spongebob episodes.  He finds a seahorse befriends it and takes it to work with him, of course Mr. Krabs is not happy about this and tells him to get him out of there,  Spongebob doesn't and the seahorse whinnies and Mr. Krabs comes back and Spongebob tries to cover up with, WHEE-SAW" "It's just my impression of Mystery" Mystery of course being the seahorse.

I don't know everytime I hear Spongebob say "Whee -Saw" it makes me laugh. 

Darn Spongebob, why is it so entertaining.

So the explanation of the title of my post is just about as painful as one of my messages I leave on answering machines. 

For some reason they seem to make me nervous.  Like I just don't know what to say, so my messages are very long and often times things are repeated several times, not bad things just things like I hope you are having a great week, things like that.

The other day I called a lady from church who I am trying to develop some relationship with get to know her a little better.  On my message to her I repeated several times over the whole long message just want to get together and hang out sometime, Today with another friend from church I said the whole hope you are having a good week like four times. With both messages I did say other things besides that but still.

What is wrong with me, its like I lose all ability to talk and be a normal person when I have to leave a message I become weirdo Bobbi.

Maybe its a disease, dysfunctional answering machine syndrome.

Offense is a nasty thing at times.  I don't think its wrong to be offended or to feel aggravated by things, but its the way we react to it that is usually the killer. 

We live in a world where if someone offends you you go off and rant and rave to someone else about things, and in some way someone gets hurt, may not be the person who offended but often times others that we talk to, they get the wrong idea and become judgmental.  We all deal with this, offense is a common occurance in life. 

We live in a world where we all want to take the easy way, we don't want to do things that are hard and could hurt us.

The clear way to handle offense it to take it back to the person and say hey this bothered me and I feel you should know it.  Some people do handle it that way, and that is awesome.  Let me be the first to say taking my offense to someone is one of the hardest things for me to do.  I personally would rather do the whole get offended and rant to a close friend or husband about it.  This is an area I am working hard in because over the last year I have seen how offense not handled correctly and hurt so many, and it can continue on for a long time and spread out over people and just cause a mess.

I have recently had a situation that came up in our lives, that has been a case of us offending someone else and then we find out about it from someone else, (if you are a friend who is reading this it probably is not you so don't worry about it.)  Anyway this situation has the ability to hurt three people, The person offended, a mutual friend and us.  It would be very easy for me to be offended and get my panties in a wad.  This is where I find God prodding and saying stop the pattern now.  And this is also why I have really determined that if offenses come up in the future I will not be a talker I will take it to that person and deal with it so that I will not cause lots of hurt.

I am not posting this because I am angry, I am just getting my thoughts out, I am fine with this situation, I give it to God and believe that He will correct things the way they are supposed to be.  I just think this topic is very interesting and have seen it go towards an ill direction a lot in life lately.

I am curious and anxious to see what God is doing in the lives around us as well as ours,  He is doing great things and even though sometimes its painful I am glad God is changing me and bringing the bad things out of me.  I am chasing the pain instead of running away for once.  And it is good.

I no longer have a two year old, he turned three today.  He is affectionately called by many names, Granticus Maximus, Grants pants, Grantzy Pants, and even Granticus Panticus.  Who knows I rhyme names for some odd reason, always have, probably always will all my pets names have have had nicknames that rhymed.  What can I say I am a weirdo.  Mostly around the house you will just hear a loud GRANT!!!!  from any one of the family members. 

So my little monster is three today and it boggles my mind.  I keep on thinking about what was going on Three years ago.  So much has happened since then. I must say though I am not sad that he is one year older,  I am very excited, he still pulls out the I don't understand card.  He does understand but he is in the in-between stage of talking, he can say a lot but communication is not a two way street fully.  So the older he gets the better the communication and hopefully the better the behavior

I wonder who he is going to grow up to be.  He is definitely an interesting child.  He has the ability to have people instantly fall in love with him.  Everyone loves Grant.  So apparently he has the cute and charm down for sure.  He is cute I agree, but he doesn't charm me he drives me up the wall for me he has the ability to instantly drive me crazy, he is constant and extreme for me, of course for everyone one else he is an angel.  He does not act up or act out for anyone the way he does for me, I don't know what I do to inspire this in him, you would think hey I am the person who takes care of him and loves him and does things for him he would hold me in high esteem but instead it is the opposite.  But thats ok we will make it. He is my little monkey, I have not seen anything the kid can't climb or tries to yet.  In fact the other day when we were off to go pick up my husband from the airport I had opened the garage door and he grabbed on to it and was going to the top before I noticed and ran and grabbed him off of it.  I think we were both in a state of surprise with that one.

Regardless of how crazy he makes me I do love him and look forward to seeing him grow into an amazing man.

Look at those big brown eyes, they don't work on me anymore, well maybe sometimes :)

Mr Mischievous,  this is the look I get when I tell him no, he makes this face and tells me no back.  This is also hamming for the camera look.  He is the biggest ham, you never have to tell him to smile or come get in the picture, he is already there!

And there is his sweet smile.  He is Mr. Extreme, if he is good, he is super good, if he is sweet he is so sweet you could just eat him up, if he is mischievous its not just a little its to the max.

Happy Birthday my Dear Grant!!!

Ok so I really really hate posting things like I posted before,  I feel like a bad person, I feel crazy, I feel wrong.  I do have to control myself and not write negative things all the time.  I am not a totally negative person but sometimes it seems way easier to be negative or point out negative than it is to be positive.  For me I used to use my blog for ranting.  Which is good sometimes but then I thought if people read this and think thats all I am like they are going to get a poor picture of me.  So I have tried to curb using my blog just for rants, I don't know if I have been super successful but I have tried really hard.

But I am glad I posted earlier, I feel so much better, and I pinpointed my problem of this week.  And now I know what I need to work on and how to change my attitude and ultimately help me to be a better wife. 

I would have still been crazy this week having four kids to take care of on my own, but not so much if there hadn't been an underlying situation I was dealing with.

I have identified it and now I am working to find a solution to fix the problem.

So I am sorry for the negativity and craziness of earlier, but then again I feel so much more relief to have it out and to know what needs to be fixed.  Its like I knew what was wrong, but just acknowledging it and saying it out loud has helped, doesn't make sense but hey it helped.

I have been trying to keep it together, I have been trying not to blog about things that are negative especially this,  but I guess I am taking the low road.  I just can't keep it together on this one.  I have been battling so hard on this one and fighting it and trying to repress it.  But I can't seem to be victorious on it.

I am just so angry I feel I could spit fire. Probably since I am tired and have a blaring headache its not good either. My two year old decided to visit me around 3:00 last night and didn't go back to sleep very fast.  That on top of a 12:30 bedtime makes Bobbi a tired tired girl. But oh well.

This week has been a horrible week.  I have really tried to battle it, I have had some positive things and I have tried to dwell on it but this anger and sadness and frustration just take me over.

This stupid trip my husband is on is killing me.  The whole problem is the fact about two weeks ago I got to go with him to this same place.  It was supposed to be a celebration of our 10 years together, Today 10 years is good, I plan on having many more but still I wanted to celebrate the 10 years with something big.  I had hoped to renew our vows on the 10 year but there was no possible way, and we are so freaking far away from all our friends and family.  So anyway this business trip of my husbands come up and its perfect because we don't have the money to afford a romantic getaway.  So this was going to pay our way minus my plane ticket.  I realized it wasn't a just fun trip.  But I was under the impression he was going to have Sunday off.  The trip I went on, he worked every day and had to go in early like 5:30 and 6:00 every morning and one night didn't even make it home till 10:00.  I just wanted one day with him, to go have fun to relax and feel fun together.  We haven't done anything like that in a long time.  I mean a LONG TIME.  I love being with him and having fun with him.  There was none of that.  We didn't get to see anything fun or scenic and when we did try the cool thing we wanted to do was closed.  We had some nice meals together and that was nice,  but nothing out of the ordinary.    And then the hotel was so far away from where he was working in the city and it was in an odd part of town and it was not fun to get out and walk around so I did that once or twice and I had my fill of it.  It was very frustrating, but I was like oh well, at least I got to have rest and I got away with him and out of Vegas for a bit. I was frustrated but ok with it.

Then about a week later Gabe calls from work and tells me he has to go to Seattle again for a week.  And thats when all of this frustration was brought up again.  Of course this trip he got a different hotel closer to where he works and in a really nice part of town where there is lots to do and have fun and good restaurants. Of course its an awesome hotel. He has not been overworked and actually had time off to do things.  There is a chance he can come home tonight.  But he said there is also a good chance that his boss will ask him to stay just to be available.  That means nothing to do just to be there for a whole other day.  A day we could have done things and been together, spent good time together, gone out and seen some fun things in Seattle.  It has been a very laid back easy trip.  I am happy for him.  But I am seething mad that our trip got so totally screwed.  We didn't know he would have to make two trips.  His boss did know.  I wish his Boss would have told Gabe, just so we would have known we would have had some options.  And probably now would have been a better time since we had barely moved in.  It would have still been tiring and stressful with the kids for one of the trips but we would have had options.  I am so angry that the one time we try to do something as a couple it gets totally screwed up.  When we are apart everything goes perfect. In a sense, perfect for him.  CRAPPY for me.   I would have been ok with our sad 1st trip if he hadn't gone two weeks later and had the trip we should have had, and even he said this to me that this was probably the one I should have come on, which totally made the anger rise that much more.

I don't know why I can't get over this.  I just have moments of crying every day because I am so angry over this.  The other issue is it probably wouldn't be that big a deal if we just had money to blow on a trip and people to take care of our children, but we don't,  that was what was so good about or what we thought about the last trip, it was an alternate way to take a trip for us.  Our problem is we don't have extra money to spend on things like this plus we have four kids, so having four kids makes it almost next to impossible to go anywhere or do anything that is alone or romantic.  I need that, but I feel like that is never going to happen.

I am trying to hold it together when I talk to my husband (although I think I am doing a poor job)  I do want him to be happy and have a nice trip.

I know I am acting like a 5 year old. 

I am just tired and very angry and hurt and I don't know how to fix it.

When was the last time you drove out of town?

Too LONG!!!

Lately I have been watching a lot of Historical T.V.

My husband and I watched the John Adams series on HBO.  It was a fantastic series and really made history come alive in a whole new way for me.  It made  American History real.  I am sure they may have taken a few liberty's here and there since its a T.V Show but for the most part I think it was accurate.  I hope HBO might do more of these.

I always loved history anyway, one of my best subjects.  If you could make money in going into History in college I would have done it, but as far as I know, there isn't much you can do except for teach, and I am not really a teacher. 

Last night I stayed up and watched the movie "Marie Antoinette".  I really really enjoyed it.  I knew the basic story about her but I didn't know very much.  It was very interesting and I thought Kirsten Dunst did a fantastic job in the movie, I also liked the addition of todays music added to the movie.  It was still a historical telling just the addition of fun music. 

I think next time I go to the library I will get some historical biographies.  I just get so into these things and just love to learn about other peoples lives.  If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them.

My husband had to go back to Seattle today.  He will be back Wednesday.  It feels weird and sad at the house.  Like something is not right.  Today has been a long draggy day.  We had to leave our house at 5:30 to get him to the Airport. 

My two year old is taking full advantage of Daddy being gone and is acting as crazy as he can.  Not that I don't lay down the law, but it for some reason does not have the same effect.  So that has been unpleasant. 

I hate feeling this way.  I mean its not like hes gone for a month.  Its just a week.  But a week feels so long and it has just started. 

I guess I am sad too because we just went to Seattle and though we didn't get to do a lot I still enjoyed being there with him and now he is there again and I am stuck here.

I don't know whats wrong with me, I am such a wimp.  But I can't help it I am just sad and I miss him.

I guess as sucky as these times are it helps you realize how much you love someone and need them.  I mean you always know you need them and that you love them but the absence makes it that much more real.

 

The other day I was up in my daughters room.  I was trying to set her room up a little more.  Some areas were more important to properly unpack than others, All Lili needs is her bassinet at the moment so I let the other things slide.  So I decided I needed to go through her clothes and weed out the 0-3 month clothes.  She hasn't worn those in at least two months, but life had been too hectic to get on that project.  I always find it sad to have to get rid of baby clothes.  But this time it was worse than ever.  I mean I was close to tears to think I had to get rid of these sweet 0-3 month clothes that time was already gone.  They are so small and sweet and I could see her all over again when she wore these little things, she was so tiny.  And she is already growing up so fast.  I did keep a thing or two as I have with all my children.  But its crazy to keep it all, there is no reason and I do know another lady who is going to be having a little girl in August so I am going to give her my little girl things and I am very happy to do so.

It just surprised me to have such strong emotions.  I guess knowing she is my last baby, and that she is my only little girl.  I also found her hat that she had on at the hospital, of course I am keeping that.  But it made me remember how sweet it is right after you have the baby to take that little hat off and feel how soft that newborn baby's head is and the newborn smell,  ahhh I love it,  but that made me sad too. 

I do not want anymore children,  By all means I think I have enough.  There are many days I am wondering what in the world I was thinking having four.  But there is just something about pregnancy and new babies I love.  And I guess the finality just gets me a bit.  My Baby days are over and I need to enjoy every moment of my daughters babyhood because the last 5 months have sped by soooo fast.  And I also need to enjoy every moment of my boys lives too because I can't believe its been 6 years since my oldest.  As I say sometimes I think Motherhood is cruel.  These little things come into your life and stir it up and then they day by day become independent and want to seperate.  Which is all good and natural but its like all this just tears a mothers heart out.  I think the quote or saying about having children is like having your heart on the outside walking around.  Despite the moments of having your heart torn I am so thankful to be a mother to have all these amazing experiences with my children.  But man its hard too sometimes just the emotions!

Time for a happy post

I appreciate everyones encouragement on my moving post.  I had many hopeless feeling moments.  Thank God its finished and we are moved in.  I am still working on the new house.  My goal being not to start out cluttered.  So if things don't have a place they get the heave ho!  That is always hard for me I am a pack rat.  But I am way better than I was, and thankfully for all the moves we have made I have thankfully gotten rid and found it easier and easier to let go of stuff.

Actually at this moment I wish my husband would make sure I had the boys baby books and otherwise just throw everything else away because I would never miss it. 

We also had our trip to Seattle.  It was supposed to be our 10th Anniversary trip, it was also a business trip for my husband.  It ended up being more business than romance.  So that was sad. His office was intent on not letting him stop working for the most part.  He worked early morning to late night.  I did get to have quiet dinners with my husband and I didn't have to clean for five days and I got my rest.  So in that regard it was very nice.  But I think we need to do something else for our anniversary. not a vacation but a nice date or something. 

Seattle was very cool.  I didn't get out and see everything, I did still have Lili and so because of her nursing and napping I did have time constraints but I did get to go see Pioneer square and Gabe and I went to Pike Place Market,  although we got there too late.  I want to go again on a vacation.  It wasn't the trip I hoped it would be but I can't complain it was nice to have some rest.

Anyway I would love to go on about nice things but I have a two year old who really needs a nap because he is very busy and into things at the moment.  I will try to post some Seattle pictures soon, and some family pics as well.

Hope everyone has a great weekend!