Bitterly angry

I have been trying to keep it together, I have been trying not to blog about things that are negative especially this,  but I guess I am taking the low road.  I just can't keep it together on this one.  I have been battling so hard on this one and fighting it and trying to repress it.  But I can't seem to be victorious on it.

I am just so angry I feel I could spit fire. Probably since I am tired and have a blaring headache its not good either. My two year old decided to visit me around 3:00 last night and didn't go back to sleep very fast.  That on top of a 12:30 bedtime makes Bobbi a tired tired girl. But oh well.

This week has been a horrible week.  I have really tried to battle it, I have had some positive things and I have tried to dwell on it but this anger and sadness and frustration just take me over.

This stupid trip my husband is on is killing me.  The whole problem is the fact about two weeks ago I got to go with him to this same place.  It was supposed to be a celebration of our 10 years together, Today 10 years is good, I plan on having many more but still I wanted to celebrate the 10 years with something big.  I had hoped to renew our vows on the 10 year but there was no possible way, and we are so freaking far away from all our friends and family.  So anyway this business trip of my husbands come up and its perfect because we don't have the money to afford a romantic getaway.  So this was going to pay our way minus my plane ticket.  I realized it wasn't a just fun trip.  But I was under the impression he was going to have Sunday off.  The trip I went on, he worked every day and had to go in early like 5:30 and 6:00 every morning and one night didn't even make it home till 10:00.  I just wanted one day with him, to go have fun to relax and feel fun together.  We haven't done anything like that in a long time.  I mean a LONG TIME.  I love being with him and having fun with him.  There was none of that.  We didn't get to see anything fun or scenic and when we did try the cool thing we wanted to do was closed.  We had some nice meals together and that was nice,  but nothing out of the ordinary.    And then the hotel was so far away from where he was working in the city and it was in an odd part of town and it was not fun to get out and walk around so I did that once or twice and I had my fill of it.  It was very frustrating, but I was like oh well, at least I got to have rest and I got away with him and out of Vegas for a bit. I was frustrated but ok with it.

Then about a week later Gabe calls from work and tells me he has to go to Seattle again for a week.  And thats when all of this frustration was brought up again.  Of course this trip he got a different hotel closer to where he works and in a really nice part of town where there is lots to do and have fun and good restaurants. Of course its an awesome hotel. He has not been overworked and actually had time off to do things.  There is a chance he can come home tonight.  But he said there is also a good chance that his boss will ask him to stay just to be available.  That means nothing to do just to be there for a whole other day.  A day we could have done things and been together, spent good time together, gone out and seen some fun things in Seattle.  It has been a very laid back easy trip.  I am happy for him.  But I am seething mad that our trip got so totally screwed.  We didn't know he would have to make two trips.  His boss did know.  I wish his Boss would have told Gabe, just so we would have known we would have had some options.  And probably now would have been a better time since we had barely moved in.  It would have still been tiring and stressful with the kids for one of the trips but we would have had options.  I am so angry that the one time we try to do something as a couple it gets totally screwed up.  When we are apart everything goes perfect. In a sense, perfect for him.  CRAPPY for me.   I would have been ok with our sad 1st trip if he hadn't gone two weeks later and had the trip we should have had, and even he said this to me that this was probably the one I should have come on, which totally made the anger rise that much more.

I don't know why I can't get over this.  I just have moments of crying every day because I am so angry over this.  The other issue is it probably wouldn't be that big a deal if we just had money to blow on a trip and people to take care of our children, but we don't,  that was what was so good about or what we thought about the last trip, it was an alternate way to take a trip for us.  Our problem is we don't have extra money to spend on things like this plus we have four kids, so having four kids makes it almost next to impossible to go anywhere or do anything that is alone or romantic.  I need that, but I feel like that is never going to happen.

I am trying to hold it together when I talk to my husband (although I think I am doing a poor job)  I do want him to be happy and have a nice trip.

I know I am acting like a 5 year old. 

I am just tired and very angry and hurt and I don't know how to fix it.