7 posts tagged “motherhood”

you can't make eye contact with your daughter.

My little girl is 6 months old and if I make eye contact with her while she is anywhere that is not in my lap she will start crying.  I can see she is staring at me right now but if I want to finish my lunch peacefully then I sadly cannot make eye contact.

Its kinda funny actually.  She is a real mommas girl this one.  But she is a real sweetie pie, sadly my digital camera died but I need to get some more pics up of her.

The other day I was up in my daughters room.  I was trying to set her room up a little more.  Some areas were more important to properly unpack than others, All Lili needs is her bassinet at the moment so I let the other things slide.  So I decided I needed to go through her clothes and weed out the 0-3 month clothes.  She hasn't worn those in at least two months, but life had been too hectic to get on that project.  I always find it sad to have to get rid of baby clothes.  But this time it was worse than ever.  I mean I was close to tears to think I had to get rid of these sweet 0-3 month clothes that time was already gone.  They are so small and sweet and I could see her all over again when she wore these little things, she was so tiny.  And she is already growing up so fast.  I did keep a thing or two as I have with all my children.  But its crazy to keep it all, there is no reason and I do know another lady who is going to be having a little girl in August so I am going to give her my little girl things and I am very happy to do so.

It just surprised me to have such strong emotions.  I guess knowing she is my last baby, and that she is my only little girl.  I also found her hat that she had on at the hospital, of course I am keeping that.  But it made me remember how sweet it is right after you have the baby to take that little hat off and feel how soft that newborn baby's head is and the newborn smell,  ahhh I love it,  but that made me sad too. 

I do not want anymore children,  By all means I think I have enough.  There are many days I am wondering what in the world I was thinking having four.  But there is just something about pregnancy and new babies I love.  And I guess the finality just gets me a bit.  My Baby days are over and I need to enjoy every moment of my daughters babyhood because the last 5 months have sped by soooo fast.  And I also need to enjoy every moment of my boys lives too because I can't believe its been 6 years since my oldest.  As I say sometimes I think Motherhood is cruel.  These little things come into your life and stir it up and then they day by day become independent and want to seperate.  Which is all good and natural but its like all this just tears a mothers heart out.  I think the quote or saying about having children is like having your heart on the outside walking around.  Despite the moments of having your heart torn I am so thankful to be a mother to have all these amazing experiences with my children.  But man its hard too sometimes just the emotions!

I have not posted in awhile and I think the last time I was complaining, I promise the next one whenever that is I will tell you of all the good and fun that has happened since I posted last. 

Right now I am about to pull my hair out with the two year old.  Yeah the same old same old.  People keep on saying oh its a phase, he will grow out of it. He is almost three but I don't see an end in sight to his constant frustrating behavior  I have been hearing this advice for a long time.  I am tired, I am tired of being stressed because of this child.  I look forward to five and the weekends just so there is someone else to help me with this child.  Now that we have moved into our new house I have no way to contain him and every day there are 20 trips to his room to make sure he takes his nap.  Honestly I dont' care if he plays alone for an hour and a half I just need a break from this child.  I also want him to listen, lately his new things is "I can't, I don't like it, or I don't, and of course the resounding NO and the incessent screaming to the top of his lungs.  I don't understand the child,  my others all had their difficult moments in their twos and threes but nothing like Grant.  I can't relax, I can't leave the room.  I left the room just to take something out to the garage the other day, my child was upstairs into my room and had unlocked our doors to the balcony and he was out on it.  For this child this is not safe.  I have to think every step I take and everything I do before I do it and I am starting to feel like my brain is about to blow up.  He wears me out.  I wish for day care for this child.  Something so I can have some time away from him.  I don't want day care for my other children they can stay home I don't care, but this child is just a constant aggravation.  He riles everyone up. I try to have the three boys play together but within a minute or two the other children are crying because he has hurt them or he just took a toy away. He has me so crazy that by the afternoon that I have lost all patience and my other older two get very short answers and I just want to be away.  I love my son to death, but he also exasperates me on a daily basis and I feel so frustrated because I am not able to be the mom I want to be to the other children.  I don't know why I can't understand this other child and why it is so hard to make him mind. I have tried lots of things, ignoring his screaming (which makes me crazy) I have tried spanking, I have tried taking things away, I am trying to be positive with him.  I am trying to get on his level. But nothing consistently works I need some answers and I need some results.  Does anyone else have a child like this? did they grow out of it, what worked with the child?  I feel our whole family needs some relief! I don't want to wish his young childhood away, I want to enjoy spending time with him and I want his brothers to enjoy being with him too.  I know he desperately loves being with them and I know he means well because he is full of hugs and he is very helpful.  But I can't find enough stuff to keep him constantly busy.  Any helpful advice for a tired mom would be great!

Yes its true being a mother is very rewarding and there is nothing else I would rather be.  But there are also times it really bites.  The word tired is the word I say most often.  I know my husband gets tired of hearing it.  But that is what I am.  And thats why I am usually aggravated because I am tired and had to deal with the two year old.

Lately life has been very tiring,  about two weeks ago our whole family had a really bad cold/flu thing which thank you God I didn't get.  It really was God that I didn't,  I normally get things when the rest of the family does.  But thankfully they all got over it pretty quickly, Grant and I did not have to go through it thankfully, so that was a tiring week.  Then this week there has been a stomach bug.  The two year old had it first,  He looked very sad that whole day.  But thankfully by that evening he seemed to be over it.  The sad thing about that day is that it was a pretty good day.  Everyone was happy there was no raising of the voice.  It was a great day.

Then the middle guy got it in the middle of the night. So I was up feeding the baby and then jumping up every now and then to help Ethan get to the toilet and get him cleaned off.Needless to say I was tired.  The next day and he continued to have it really bad he couldn't keep any water down for the longest,  all yesterday I just prayed I wouldn't get it, although my stomach was feeling weird, so I prayed if I had to have it it would just be in one direction and not the puking direction.  Which I guess God honored because no puking yet, just having a very upset stomach and thankfully only in one direction is it coming out.  So this morning I was feeling not so great and pretty weak, Lili didn't really cooperate to let me get good sleep and everytime I had to get up with her my stomach started feeling really bad.  So after drinking a sprite and eating a few pieces of cereal my energy came back a bit.  I still just want to sleep for a whole day.  Today the two year old is making up for the day he was sick.  And I just want to scream.  It sucks to have to take care of everyone else and then when you feel a bit down too bad gotta keep on going.  I am so tired of taking care of people.  I want to go away.  I know they appreciate me but that doesn't make my tiredness go away.  Just to sleep a night of sleep without any interupption would be heavenly to me.  I am tired, I am tired of being needed.  A little needed is ok. I am tired of hitting, and whining and crying. I am tired of spelling words constantly. I fantasize daily about the two year old being in school, sadly it will be two more years of him at home.  He totally exasperates me.  I need a break from him.  I wish some Grandparents could take him for a month.  How sad is that there are many times a day I wish to not be around my child.  He is the only one that makes me scratch my head and wonder why is he the way he is.  He loves destruction, he loves aggravation, and irritation.  We joke that the only reason he is still living is because he is cute.  He does want to help and if I keep him busy he does very well but I can only think of so many things.  People say it will get better when he gets older, I sure hope they are right and I wish he would hurry up and get older.  I do not wish that on any of my other children, I want to keep them the age they are for forever, they are sweet and wonderful. 

Sometimes I am so jealous of men too.  They can go out anytime, they don't have to nurse babies so there is no time constraint on their time, they can take work trips, they can go out with their friends, they can do whatever they want to, if they have work they need to do at home they can go do their work.  So I get bitter towards men, and I realize thats not good. I am not saying I am bitter towards my husband, he does a whole lot for me, I am just jealous that is all.  I want to feel free, when I go out I worry the whole time if I am putting anyone out, I worry if I will be home in time to feed the baby, I worry will the baby sleep while I am gone and then I will be up during the night.  There is no relaxing. 

Another thing I am tired of hearing is you need to take care of yourself and make time for yourself go on a date with your husband.  Well yes I understand that fact, the question is HOW?  I have four children, how do you have time for yourself and take care of yourself.  If I am not taking care of someone I need to clean the kitchen or the livingroom, or fold clothes.  Although I must say my husband helps me out and helps me to get out with friends every now and then so I am thankful for him.  And having a date with your husband, how do you find someone to keep four children?  It is so freaking expensive to find a babysitter for four children and then the date costs, so to me it seems just too much. I am just a tired mother, who is tired of sickness and I need a vacation, when I am tired I tend to make things sound worse than they are so I apologize, I am just tired  and irritated as usual. Just ignore me I just needed to get some stuff out of my system.

I am at the place that I am so wanting this child to come.  Most everything has been done.  I have had a baby shower, there are a few other things I need to get but if it came down to the last minute my husband could pick them up while I was in the hospital.  So now its just a waiting game.  And patience is not a strong point of mine.  I have gotten all the baby clothes washed and smelling sweet.  I bought a fabric softener that I love.  Its made by Snuggle and its called Wild Orchid and Vanilla kiss.  It is the sweetest smell so I bought it.  Most of my nesting needs have been met.  It's time is what I feel like but one thing is missing, and that is the actual baby arriving.

Every part of my body wants to expel this child.  Everything is sore, moving is not an easy endeavor these days.  Something as easy as rolling over in bed takes way longer than it should as it feels I have a bowling ball in my tummy.  One of my feet wants to detach itself and run away.  I think my arch has fallen, I don't know but it hurts very badly and its swollen way more than the other one is.  All this extra weight just continues to aggravate that foot.

But apparently its not time yet.  I feel my body just doesn't understand how to go into labor by itself.  I am 2 centimeters dilated and have been that way for two weeks.  I did this same thing with my last child.  Its like after 2 centimeters it just decides that must be it.  ARGHHH!!!  I am not to the due date yet but the child has made it to term anytime after 37 weeks they consider the baby ok to come.  I was induced with my other three because they never came on their own either.  I just once wanted to experience going into labor on my own.  Seems exciting.  There is still time but I am beginning to doubt it will happen. My Doctor said she would not let me go past 39 weeks, which is fine by me as at the last ultrasound the baby was 6 lbs 12 oz and I think it is said the last weeks the baby gains half a lb a week.  Since the biggest baby I had was 8 lbs I definitely don't want to go over it.

I have willed her to come over and over in my head, but that doesn't seem to work.  I know its crazy, right now she is so much easier to feed and there is no worrying about getting a baby to sleep and I am getting mostly a full nights rest, but I can't help it,  I want to feel like I am me again.  I don't want to hate stairs.  I want to feel normal and roll over in the bed like a normal person. I also want to see her and hold her and  love her.  I mean I love her but  I want to love on her outside the womb.  I am also getting tired of her constant bladder kicking.  I am so curious about her personality.  So far she has been very interesting.

Now these days I look at dates and numbers I like.  Like today the 13th, I like the number 13 and I think it would be cool if she came today.  Tomorrow would also be a good day as my oldest two boys were both born on the 14th,  Zion was born on February 14th, Ethan on August 14th.  I guess I am a total weirdo but if it helps keep me sane on waiting for this thing then its ok.  Truly over my impatience I want her to come when she is supposed to I don't want to rush things.  But I do hope it is soon.

So who knows, I will keep everyone up to date.  And when she is born there will be pictures and I will make sure the laptop comes up so I will post pictures if it happens anytime soon.  Only God knows when her arrival is and thats all good I guess.  I just wish I knew if it was going to happen on its own or this one was going to be induced again. Just a waiting game for sure Fun Fun Fun.

WARNING - Mad ranting mother post - don't read if you don't want to hear a rant of a crazy mother

I have had my fill of interruptions and mess already today at 11:00 - this is not a good sign.  I just want to scream and kick and throw a fit like my two year old seems to throw at least 10 times a day.

Before I rant anymore, let me first say I did have a good first part of the morning. My husband took care of the boys and got them fed and let me sleep in till he had to go to work, so that was wonderful and nice and I appreciate him letting me sleep, I needed it.  I started the day in a good way. And if my husband reads this I don't want him to think I am not appreciative of the time he gave me this morning, it would have been 10 times worse if I hadn't had that extra rest.

now on to the rant

I am desperately trying to get things done. Do a bit of cleaning, pay some bills.  Things that need to be done.  It is impossible.  I am actually having to use my phone a bit so of course as anyone knows if you are on the phone the children are going to act insane.  I have asked the two older to lock all the doors upstairs except for their bedroom.  So if they want to go upstairs and play they can and I can have peace of mind and maybe a bit of peace.  Ha ha thats funny why would I think that would work?  How can I be a mother for over 5 years and think that things would actually go right.

So I am trying to talk on the phone while there are interruptions of crying, the two year old throwing all my bill papers all over the place and walking on it.  Then somehow the two year old gets into my room and brings a candle down to me.  My door was supposed to be locked.  So while the 5 year old and the two year old are entertained I ask the four year old just to place the candle back in my room and lock the door.  While I continue on my business of getting our finances in order.  Five minutes later I realize the five year old is sitting in the room with me but the two year isn't and the four year old is still missing.  So since I am still on the phone I ask the five year old to see what the other two are doing.  A minute later I hear a scream down the stairway that they are still in my room in my sewing stuff. FANTASTIC!!!

So I run upstairs and my sewing stuff is strewn all over the place.  I haven't had the time to sew in a very long time.  Why I am even mad that they had strewn all my stuff all over the place is beyond me, I mean really why should I care by the time I actually have time to pick it up again I will have forgotten all of it because all the things I have to do and remember for my children will have taken that space up.  And then I start to rant inside my head, why do I ever want anything nice, if its nice it will get ruined, so why even have a desire, why has that desire not finally been squashed out of my head I mean its not like I haven't lived as a mother of young children for the last 5 years, shouldn't I be used to this now?  For some reason I do still want nice things but I am going to try to work on that and just remind myself anytime I want something just to push that thought out of my mind because in the end I am just going to go nutso because it will eventually get ruined.  I mean who really cares about a mother anyway, aren't they just a maid and a nurse and a person to make sure you get from point a to point b, but as far as feelings and desires, pffftttt nah, noway they are just there to serve your needs and make sure you are well taken care of.

I am so crazy with all the chaos,  I tell the boys to all go into their room and I take away certain privileges from them.  Then I go to finally do the laundry that has been waiting for a while.  The older two yell that the two year old has a marker,  Which is wonderful, where did he get that, I keep things up and out of the way, yes not any marker but a permanant marker, which he just marked on his brothers new superman sheets, fabulous, why do I get them nice things that will put smiles on their face?  Someone will just mess it up.  Thankfully it wasn't anywhere else.  So I take it away and tell him to stay put in their room with his older brothers, I refuse to let the clean laundry stack up like it did last week.  so I go to my room fold clothes and let the boys know they can stay in their room or come downstairs, and I hear a small voice downstairs, to which is one of those moments you just think to yourself what next?  I yell out is your brother with you and the older two are like I don't know which means no.  So I get downstairs and I find he has helped himself to a treat of snack cakes which he has all over himself and the floor, I snatch them out of his hand throw them in the garbage clean him off and put him in his time out chair. 

I swear I am trying to keep up with these people.  I can't even turn my head for five minutes.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  Once I finally get things done everything is messed up again.  I can't handle it all.  I just want a semblance of clean not shining clean, sure that would be nice but that is just too much to ask.  I just want some order and I want to take five minutes to try to pay some bills.  I don't think its asking too much.  I am giving up niceties what else do I have to give up.  I don't even have time to schedule my life to try to get it in order.  And I don't want anyone scheduling my life for me. If I can't even do a simple thing like getting my life in order I surely don't want someone else ordering it for me. 

And I don't see this getting any easier, In at least a month I will have someone who will demand most of my attention.  Which is fine, I look forward to the baby side of things, its the constant craziness of the two year old that makes me want to cry.  I mean should I just go ahead and give up and get used to the house being a constant mess, should I just expect to get behind on everything, never get anything done and never feel accomplished,and never be a person anyone can count on because I have gone into insanity world where all I ever do is clean up the messes and change diapers, should I change my name to just mom and not even have a personality or name to say I am someone besides a mother?  Should I go ahead and just go ahead and tear my house up myself so that I can not be so disappointed when he does it?  I think I could handle my other two, they listen and understand and follow directions, the two year old no not really, his goal in life is to do the opposite of what he is supposed to do.  And I am not trying to borrow trouble but I am also trying not to fool myself either.

Hooray for motherhood!

So if you have been reading my blog, you know I have a two year old.  I mention him from time to time.  I affectionately call him my little monster.  

He is a little monster.  He is nothing like my other two boys.  My other two boys growing up so far have gotten into things, its not like they were perfect little angels. But this one has gone beyond all I can think of.  Saying he is an active child is an understatement.  One day I found the little guy standing on the outside of our upstairs banister.  He had climbed up the outside part of our stairs and made it all the way to the top.  So here is the not even two year old 16 feet up.  My heart was in my throat and I was just praying the whole way as I bounded up the stairs that Jesus would keep him safe and not let him let go and he would stay in one place.  Thankfully I got to him and slowly pulled him over to the safe side of the balcony banister.  Of course the child acted like whats the big deal.  Everyone asked if I spanked him,  I was so shakey after that all I could do was hug the child and be happy I found him when I did.  I couldn't even think straight.  Since then I have put gates up in our living room and he and I stay in the livingroom most the day.  He hates this, but for the time being and his safety its the way its gonna have to be.

I do love him dearly, he is a child of extremes.  When he is good he is very good and sweet and cute and cuddly.  He has the most expressive face.  He can make me laugh with just making a certain face.  He has always been able to make me laugh.  He also can evoke such anger out of me I can't believe one child can do such a thing.  When I say that I don't mean I beat the child, but anyone who has children should understand that children can bring out feelings of all kinds, doesn't mean you act on them, I try to cool off or put the child in time out so I can think straight and figure out what to do next .

It feels like the last six months have been a battle with him.  He is a very willful child and persistant.  Things that will one day serve him well given that he uses them in the right way but right now it sure is hell on his mother. 

Nap time just seems like it has been a battle this past month.  Nap time used to be so good, it was my break from him, my time to regroup and gain my sanity back so I can handle him when he wakes up.  Used to be he would take  a long nap.

Lately I feel like the battle has been like this:

Mom:  woohoo its naptime, time for me to relax and be happy.

Little Monster:  Oh really, its time for you to relax and have you time,  mmmm I don't think so, its all about me!  I think I will start waking up early.

Mom:  thats ok, even if you wake up early you can stay in your room for 30 minutes playing with the toys in your room, so mommy can have mommy time.

Little Monster:  haha I don't think so, I am going to figure out this child safe handle and I will escape and make my presence known.

Mom:  Ok I see you are bringing it, I will just have to think harder, because nap time will not be given up so easily. AHA I found a child safety lock for the door just for nap time.

Little Monster:  ahhh yes you have foiled my little mechanical hands that will figure out everything, you have installed it too high and there are no chairs or things to build a ladder in my room, I will still make it hard and try to refuse to take a nap

Mom:  Yes you continually cry at the door and bang on it and I will continually come upstairs and put you back in bed.  Where did you think you got your stubborn persistent streak???

Little Monster:  Ah ha ha ha I have foiled all your well thought out plans, if I can't figure a way out of my room for that precious time called naptime, I WILL MAKE You come get me.  I will make sure I have a bowel movement during naptime and I will make sure you will come get me at the first sound you hear of me in my room, because otherwise I will undress myself and take said poopy diaper off and I will get into it.  It will be more frustration to you than you thought possible.  (Tiny fist raised in Victory)

Mom:  Ahhh Crap

So this is where the battle is at the moment.  He has the upper hand.  I don't know how to defeat this newest thing he is doing.  Snaps aren't going to stop this kid. there is no such thing as a chastity diaper.  I just don't know.  I do know if the child does not have a nap he is wild and cranky. Which in turn makes me tired, mean and cranky. So I know the battle will ensue and we will make it out of this time of wanting to pull my hair out with this child.  I also know that the child will get older and we will be able to communicate better with the child and hopefully disciplines will actually keep the child in line.  Right now the time out chair isn't doing too much.  Anyway if anyone has ever had this same battle with their child and you have any tips, tips are much appreciated.

This is a picture of my precious little monster.

Silly monster

1 comment